Despite the smorgasbord of avenues through which to stalk, probe and like your mate, scoring a mobile number from the chosen one is still one of the most coveted feats in the dating game.

The ensuing repartee is the modern love letter. With each party likely to take a magnifying glass to every character, the text message is an art form in its own right.
It is a natural progression, therefore, that savvy, new-age men have devised savvy, new-age methods with which to simplify the process.
For men who seek to outsource their humanity, BroApp and Bro Lifeline are must haves.

BROAPP

Though its creators insist the idea was birthed not out of laziness, but out of a desire to ensure that girlfriends felt adored, BroApp reeks of an ill-founded assumption that all women need consistent validation and sycophantic praise.
What kind of archaic, regressive, consortium of minds comes to the conclusion that a notion this antiquated could possibly gain footing in contemporary society? That would be the bros of BroApp.

Bro, who’s your girlfriend?
The app needs only a name and number, then, in accordance with your schedule, BroApp automatically sends texts to the lovely lady you are not thinking of.
Bro, what time?
Rather than just entering a time you wish to text, the app will deliver upon connection with home or work wifi to stay under the radar (because no-one arrives at work at exactly 8: 01am every day of the week).

Programming options allow you to craft your own messages, but those who think a sonnet is an extreme skateboaring move can opt for a more «Average Bro Package» and just select from the texts on offer.

But Bro, what if, like, I’m with my girlfriend and it sends a text? She’ll be like, what?
Thankfully, this app matches deception with impressive cunning (those who believe relationships aren’t built on surreptitious dealings and perceptions of honest engagement are obviously deluding themselves). The app boasts a number of tactics to maintain cover.

BroApp will never message your missus if connected to her home wifi and it will require final confirmation before sending a text.
It activates GIRLFRIEND MODE when your girlfriend opens the app and enters the wrong passcode. She will be shown a ‘Bro gift decoy page’, because gifts to chicks are like laser pointers to dogs.

But when your significant other discovers that she has been duped – and it is only a matter of time – the shit-eth will hit-eth the fan…eth.
With categorical certainty, the use of this application is to do yourself a great disservice…and that is an abysmal understatement.
2/5 Skeezy Bros.

BRO LIFELINE:

With features to help bros avoid any unwanted responsibility, Bro Lifeline endeavours to be your wingman for navigating the relationship minefield.
A central feature of the app is ‘The Excuse’. Made into somewhat of an artform, bros have at their fingertips excuses to get out of dates, work and even traffic infringements.

‘My father’s grandmother’s aunt’s mother died’, ‘I wasn’t feeling very well earlier but I kept hoping I would get better by tonight’, ‘I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out’. Seriously. Are you trying to help your Bro get some or get sent to the doghouse?

Not only that, but the app offers sound effects to enhance any fib a Bro feels necessary to construct, ‘car won’t start’, ‘grocery store’ and ‘heavy traffic’ should give you an idea. The only thing they are missing is my father’s grandmother’s aunt’s mother’s funeral ambience.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
The only thing worse than being spurned, is to be made a mockery of. The very notion that you believed her affection could be toyed with through the processes of an inanimate object has the potential to fuel a drive for vengeance so strong, you’d be more likely to retain limbs if you relocate to the West Bank.
But if that girl somehow manages to see through your bullshit and stick around, Bro Lifeline’s pickup lines are bound to set the tone for a torrid love affair: ‘let’s bypass all the bullshit and just get naked, ’ ‘let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down’.

On the plus side, Bro Lifeline provides inspirational pep talks for the struggling bro. ‘Broken hearted’ bros can look forward to nuggets of support:
‘Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall.
Count your life with the smiles and not the tears that roll. ’
If a bro ‘Can’t Speak to a Girl’, Bro Lifeline will incite even the meekest of men:
‘Even when a man is as shy as a mouse, you still have to beware of the tiger within.
The ‘Getting Married’ (side note: with this app, how did you get this far in life?) pep talks are in a different league altogether:
‘Newlyweds become oldyweds, and oldyweds are the reasons that families work. ’
If only for its comedic value, Bro Lifeline gets 3 Skeezy Bros.
3/5 Skeezy Bros.